I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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