OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
