i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
