I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
