Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
