Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
