My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
