I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
