My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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