You can't motorboat a personality
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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