I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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