Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
