I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
