Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
