Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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