singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
