I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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