Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
