Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
