I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
