i already hear my dad disowning me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
