i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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