Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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