she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
