I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
