she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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