I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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