Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
