i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
