dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
