Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
