You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
