your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
