i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
