Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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