i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
