I think I won the penis lottery.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
