the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
