I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
