you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
