I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
