I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
