he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
