Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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