Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have tasted many bathrooms
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
