Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
