I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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