Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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