I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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