My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
