You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Can I color on your dick again?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
