Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
