the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
