you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
