At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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