I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
