I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Alive.
So much puke
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
