I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
