I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
