If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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