who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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