forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
