he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
