I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
