Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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